It's been raining in the night and It's still warm outside.
This morning I sat on the beach watching the birds feeding on the wet sand and thought about life since Averil died.
Life has been in limbo, a blur of daily emotional turmoil as we fight to get the NHS to admit what happened to Averil and try to come to terms with her loss. Trying to ensure that we live up to the courage that she showed as she fought her illness, totally without help from those that were supposed to be caring for her.
Maybe because its that time of year when we all think towards our plans for Christmas and arrange to meet family and friends but I couldn't help but start thinking about Averil's birthday on the 21st of December. So close to the day that we died .. The 15th of December.
Yes, I mean we died, because that it is how it often feels. We died that day.
Thoughts flit like the seabirds above the waves to what Averil would have been doing right now ... It's early morning, about breakfast time.
Averil would have been 23 now, she would have finished her degree in creative writing and maybe she would be living in Edinburgh with Alex. I spoke to him yesterday, he said it was cold and very autumnal, and we talked of the views around the castle and the wonderful colours.
Averil may have had a career in journalism or some form of creative endeavour. I am sure she would have called her sisters today to see how they were and catch up on life, she would have been in touch with her many friends and spent time thinking about us all.
Averil loved quirky clothes, colours and art, so she would have enjoyed dressing for the weather, dressing for the day ahead. Maybe she would have had a rushed breakfast of Croissants and coffee just as I did this morning. And maybe she would have called me and said "how you doing dada" just as she always did.
However her day would have started, Averil would have given so much to all us.
Life will never be the same without her.